Can I Overcome Shame and Regret Through Self-Love?
I grew up with a deep-seated shame that I only began to recognise over 14 years ago when I started my personal growth journey. I blamed it on my disability – I was born profoundly deaf and have worn hearing aids for most of my life.
However, I have realised that my shame was a combination of childhood conditioning, being bullied for most of my school years, and not feeling good enough. I was an outsider who never fit the norm, and this made me feel ashamed of who I was for most of my life.
What Happens When You Experience Shame?
On the Map of Consciousness, shame sits at the very bottom of the scale. This means it is the lowest vibrational energy state. Shame differs from guilt in that we feel deeply flawed ather than simply making a mistake.
Behaviours such as isolation, harsh negative self-talk, emotional suppression, people-pleasing, and self-sabotage are some of the side effects of carrying shame.
Being unaware of my shame has resulted in me feeling inferior in most areas of my life, and I have made many decisions that have led to regret. Living with shame unconsciously caused me to have unrealistic expectations in relationships and compare myself with others. I struggled with social anxiety and felt rejected many times over.
What You Need to Know About Regret
The crazy thing about regret is that it reinforces shame every time you remind yourself of the action you took or didn’t take that led to bad results. Dwelling on painful past experiences that cause regret can either motivate you to do better next time or make you spiral deeper down into shame.
The Power of Exposing Shame
Exposing my shame was one of the greatest steps I took to reclaim my personal power. It meant identifying and unpacking how I thought, felt, and behaved because of my conditioning and limiting beliefs.
It required deep introspection and understanding the lies I had carried for most of my life. It meant giving back the false stories I believed were mine to those they belonged to as I rediscovered my truth.
The Onion Analogy to Releasing Conditioning
I often compare this inner work to peeling an onion. Each layer represents conditioning imposed on you since birth.
As you peel away a layer through self-reflection and growing self-awareness, you are bound to experience emotional pain (and for many, physical pain as well). Resistance to the experience is normal, as is crying!
The centre of the onion represents your true self, and reconnecting with your authentic core is the reward for peeling away the layers. Shame cannot exist here, which is why doing personal growth work is essential if you want to become the greatest expression of yourself.
How Self-Love Helps Overcome Shame
Focusing on self-love helps counteract shame and overcome regrets you may carry because of poor choices. Practising self-love is an act of responsibility and being accountable for how you think, feel, and act.
Self-love includes self-compassion, self-forgiveness, and self-respect. You are now empowered to explore your shame, acknowledging it, and integrate it to live a healthier and more fulfilling life, feeling worthy, joyful, abundant, and whole.
Self-love can be used to overcome shame and regret by doing the following:
Recognizing and naming the feeling when shame is triggered.
Acknowledging the emotion and naming it out loud calms the nervous system.
Identifying the trigger and stepping back to pause and reflect.
Choosing self-compassion and being kind towards yourself while you gently unpack the trigger.
Challenging the limiting belief that you are fundamentally flawed and showing yourself love while moving into a higher state of being.
Forgiving yourself for making a mistake, which prevents you from spiralling out of control into shame.
What Self-Love Can Do For You When Releasing Shame
Through self-love, you separate your worthiness from past actions driven by shame and regret. You are counteracting self-judgment with loving-kindness. You shift from blaming others to taking responsibility and making amends if necessary.
Self-love encourages you to break free from isolation and seek out people you trust to help you overcome shame. Sharing your story with safe and objective people diminishes the power of a deep-seated emotion.
Self-love asks you to choose growth over punishment. Actions such as placing your hand over your heart when you feel physical tension in your chest are loving gestures that offset shame and regret.
How Self-Love Helped Me Overcome Shame
Self-reflection and self-awareness led me to love myself unconditionally so that I could heal myself from low-vibrational energy states that don’t serve me. Shame has taught me many hard and sad lessons.
While I wish I could undo many of my past mistakes, I acknowledge now that without these experiences, I would never have rediscovered my authentic self. Shame and regret are valuable teachers.
Self-Reflection Questions
Self-reflection empowers you to understand shame, untangle false stories, and remove painful regret. Self-love gives you the courage to explore deep and painful shame in a loving and compassionate way.
When you review the following questions, remember to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself grace.
Did I do something wrong or am I fundamentally flawed? (This helps you understand whether you are experiencing guilt because you made a mistake or shame because you believe YOU are the mistake).
What beliefs do I have about myself that make me feel shame? Are they my truth or do they belong to someone else?
What internal resources drove me to make a choice that has led to regret? How can I learn from that experience and make different, healthier choices going forward?
“It's not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.” ― Stephen Fry
What do you think would happen if you chose to forgive yourself for reacting out of shame and choosing to love yourself instead?
Final Thoughts
Most of us have experienced shame and regret at some point in our lives. Recognising that shame is a heavy and false belief gives you the power to make the best choice for you. This could mean choosing to be worthy and doing the work to shift shame.
Working with my shaman teacher, Lionel Berman, and a skilled counsellor has empowered me to release my shame and to honour my truth. I have also been doing Dr Joe Dispenza’s meditations daily for the past 19 months and they have played an essential role in developing my self-awareness and cultivating self-love.
With the right support and guidance, you can shift shame and become the authentic and beautiful soul I know that you are.
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