The other day a client of mine asked me how she could learn to handle hurtful, verbal attacks by other people. She had been asked to arrange a farewell party for a popular work colleague. Being the person she is, she went all out to make sure that everything went absolutely perfectly. She wanted her colleague to be given a party that he wouldn't forget!
Unfortunately, during the party, another girl came up to my client and said, “You really should know your place. You don’t own this party you know!”. My poor client was left standing flabbergasted and stunned by these words.
Ever since she has been trying to work out exactly what she did wrong. What would cause someone to be so upset with her trying to arrange the perfect farewell party?
It's at times like these that you want to hide away and lick your wounds. But, what if I was to tell you it's got nothing to do with you? As hurtful as it may have been at the time, this is not the time to wallow in self-pity.
Read on to discover why people sometimes lash out and say the things they say. Find out how you can still be the winner even if you're hurting deep inside.
Why People Say Hurtful Things
My client's story I've just shared with you is a perfect example of when we find ourselves at the other end of someone else's insecurity. They attack us with barbed comments meant to hurt us while trying to hide behind their own fears.
We try to understand these verbal attacks. We may even try and show love and compassion for the person who made the comments. But it doesn’t stop us from feeling hurt and betrayed by the harsh words.
Even if we know that we weren't doing anything wrong, we still feel hurt. It's always good to reflect on such a situation and the following tips may help you become a winner even when you are hurting!
1. A Missed Signal
Look for clues that caused the “outburst/remark/hurtful comment” in the first place. Look back and identify when that moment was. Perhaps this colleague had wanted to organize the party and felt sidelined when you were volunteered to handle the logistics.
A Winner Would:
Remember what was going on with you and that person at the time.
Ask yourself: “With hindsight would I have done anything differently?”
Commit to mastering the skill of being more in tune with the people you associate with.
Be open to finding out what may have caused this reaction from the other person. It'll give you more clarity about why it happened and if there's anything you could learn from it.
2. Spend More Time With Those Who Appreciate You
Remember the Consensus Circle? If you don't know what I'm talking about, read about it in one of my other blogs. Healthy boundaries keep those you love close to you and those who don't serve you positively, well away!
Make sure you've got strong, healthy boundaries so you're surrounded by people who appreciate you and know your true intentions.
A Winner Would:
Invest your time wisely with those who value you and make you feel appreciated.
Healthy boundaries are important even at the office!
3. Bring Closure
Spend some time analyzing the situation. Reflect on what happened and ask yourself the right questions. Was this really about you or was it the other person's own insecurities surfacing? Were your intentions for your colleague's party genuine and not meant to be "all about you?"
When you ask the right kind of questions during self-reflection, the right answers will come up.
Once you're done analyzing the situation, bring closure. If you do need to apologize, go ahead. If you need to speak to that person, do so coming from a place of understanding and compassion. But, if you recognize this was someone else's problem, then acknowledge it and LET IT GO.
A Winner Would:
Learn to be less harsh with yourself.
Beating yourself up isn't constructive behavior. Rather, be gentle and kind to yourself, accepting that you're hurting but being harsh with yourself isn't going to help heal the hurt.
4. Raise Your Standards
Experiences like these will ask you to invest some time in reviewing and upgrading your “ideal circle of people” with whom you want to associate with. Yes, it's back to that Consensus Circle!
A Winner Would:
By letting go of those you don’t want, you will be making space for those you do want.
Even in the workplace, you can decide who you'll have in your inner circle and who'll be on the periphery.
5. Ask for Feedback
If it's important to you, and you're able to approach the person objectively, ask the person who made the “outburst/comment/hurtful remark” to give you their reason for doing so. Listen and learn.
A Winner Would:
Even if the other person is mistaken, there is some element of truth in what they have to say and that's worth discovering.
See every experience as an opportunity to learn and grow.
6. Feel Your Feelings
Be hurt – if you're hurt. Be sad – if you're sad. Be angry - if you're angry. Feel what's there. Your feelings deserved to be acknowledged. And, if you do react out of anger or hurt, know you're only human. But, once you get over it, stop beating yourself up about it.
A Winner Would:
Know that it's okay to react with emotion.
While you may not be proud of your reaction after the event, this is not the time to berate yourself. But, it's a good time to understand what were the triggers and do some self-reflection.
7. List Three Key Reasons
List three key reasons why the incident happened. Even if you don’t agree with the reason, there was a good reason! Learn from it.
A Winner Would:
Consider this a learning experience.
Whether you like it or not, you're here to learn and grow.
8. Be Proud of Yourself
List ten things that you did around that incident that you can be proud of. Focus on them. Yes, a work colleague may have lashed out at you for organizing the party but don't let her feelings diminish the success of the party.
Acknowledge your hard work and note how many other people actually thanked you for such a great party.
A Winner Would:
Know that what you did, you can be proud of.
A winner would also watch this video!
Final Thoughts
When you find yourself at the end of someone's barb, it's a good time to step back and reflect. Not only will you learn more about yourself but you'll also be able to respond with love and compassion.
It hurts when someone lashes out at you. But, whether it's something you've done or not, you can still be a winner. Learn from the experience. Acknowledge your feelings. Change what needs to be changed and let go of what no longer needs to be held onto.
A winner knows how to do this.
This post was originally published on March 2nd, 2021, and updated on March 4th, 2022.
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