Are you a caregiver of a loved one who is struggling with mental health issues, addiction withdrawals, sudden disabilities, or who has succumbed to a serious disease? One of the last roles we expect to take on as adults is becoming a caregiver for a loved one who has fallen ill or become too frail to take care of themselves.
Perhaps you suddenly find yourself caring for an elderly parent at home while still running a family, full time job, or both. Whatever your situation, being unexpectedly assigned the role of a caregiver can be challenging.
I found myself in this role in 2021 when my partner suffered a mental breakdown because of benzodiazepines. This role continued for two and half years and while there were many rewarding moments, it was a lonely, overwhelming, and scary place to be.
I’m certainly not an expert caregiver now but my experience has taught me many coping skills which I would like to share with you. I hope you find them useful should you find yourself in a similar position one day.
7 Tips for Caregivers Supporting a Loved One at Home
1. Educate Yourself About the Condition
When Paul first complained that it was the addition of Xanax to his treatment plan that was causing his anxiety to skyrocket, I wasn’t convinced. I was trusting that his psychiatrist knew what he was doing even when he laughed away our concerns and increased Paul’s dosage.
But, after two months of being on Xanax Paul continued to deteriorate rapidly and I decided to do some research. It wasn’t long before I discovered the dangers of benzos and I knew we were in deep trouble. Paul changed to a new psychiatrist who agreed to taper him off the tablets but the process was done too quickly.
Paul battled with the following benzos withdrawal symptoms at different stages from the day he started tapering off Xanax:
Acute anxiety
Rage and irritability
Burning or numb feet
Back and hip pain
Shooting pains down his leg
Constant electrical buzzing in his head
Muscle tremors
Aches and pain all over his body
Despair and suicidal ideation
Weight loss
On the outside, Paul looked normal to most people. Inside though he was slowly and painfully dying. I educated myself as much as possible about benzos withdrawals so that I could support him even when we finally admitted him into rehab for four months.
There was very little support from the medical profession who denied there was such a thing as “benzos withdrawal.” You can read more about this life experience in my post "How Courage Helped Me Change My Life: Reflections on My Journey of Growth in 2023."
Whatever condition your loved one is struggling with, it’s important to understand what they’re going through. This makes it easier to be patient and gentler with them while giving them the best support they need to heal and recover.
2. Be Prepared to Make Decisions
One of the roles of caregiver supporting a loved one is taking on more responsibilities such as running the home and managing finances. I’m fortunate that I’m self-employed working from home so I could schedule my coaching clients when I knew Paul was either at work or able to cope on his own for a few hours.
I had to take over the running of our home, prepare meals, and handle our finances. Decisions had to be made such as could we afford a long stay in rehab and should Paul resign from his job. These were big life-changing decisions that had to be made while Paul was incapable of offering much support.
Be prepared to make decisions on your own, especially if you don’t have family members to rely on for support and guidance. Deciding whether to sell your home or not or to tap into your investment funds so your loved one can get the best medical or therapeutic support are scary decisions.
I spent many hours writing lists of pros and cons but my gut feeling always told me what to do in the end.
Making decisions could include
Putting an elderly parent into frail care or old age home
Placing a dying loved one into hospice
Finding the right rehab facility to manage your loved one’s mental condition
Downscaling to a smaller property to save funds
Putting in firm boundaries to protect your and your loved one’s wellbeing
Even if you do have the support of trustworthy family members, making the final decision rests on your shoulders, particularly if your loved one is incapable of helping you. My therapist was a huge help when I needed to weight up the pros and cons of different decisions.
Installing healthy boundaries kept me sane while giving Paul the space to heal and recover in his own time.
3. Seek Counseling
When Paul went into rehab he had all the counseling he needed to heal and recover. Caregivers forget they also need this kind of support and I was grateful to connect with a wonderful therapist. I My shaman teacher, Lionel Berman, was also by my side always, in all ways.
Counseling is essential for helping you cope as a caregiver. It gives you a safe space to:
Talk about your fears.
Rant and rave about the unfairness of life!
Discuss practical problems such as finances and making big decisions.
Discover different perspectives and find solutions.
Unpack your emotions.
I saw my therapist every second week and I always felt grounded after chatting to her. She helped me to see the bigger picture and to have clarity when I felt there was none. My therapist kept reminding me to take care of myself as well.
4. Practice Self-Care
In the initial months of caring for Paul before admitting him to rehab, I told myself I had no time to focus on my self-care practices. If he was at home, he needed my company 24/7 otherwise his fears would consumed him.
When he did go into the office (which was far and few between), I was too busy catching up on my freelancing copywriting or coaching work to think about self-care!
Fortunately, Paul’s anti-depressants knocked him out at 8pm for the full night and then I would spend hours researching benzos withdrawal symptoms. Every day Paul would experience some new and strange symptom and I needed to know how to manage it (which I couldn’t!) In a nutshell, my self-care practices went out the window.
However, while Paul was in rehab my therapist kept telling me to focus on myself. I started meditating every morning again, doing 30 minutes of yoga in the evenings, and eating healthy meals.
We forget about ourselves when we’re so immersed in the struggles of our loved one and this could lead to caregiver burnout.
Some great self-care practices which will help you to maintain your mind, body and soul while acting as a caregiver include:
Physical exercise: Walking in nature, doing yoga, or asking someone to watch your loved one while you go to the gym all help to keep you mentally and physically fit.
A healthy diet: Eating properly boosts your immune system during stressful times while supporting you mentally and emotionally.
Drinking water: Drinking at least two liters of water every day reduces the risk of dehydration and fatigue.
Meditation: Spend five to fifteen minutes a day meditating – this helps you to be present, calmer, and mindful while taking good care of your mental and emotional health.
Solitude: Taking a long soak in the hot tub, spending half an hour reading quietly, or doing some gardening all helps to keep you sane when caregiving at home.
Something else that helped me tremendously was staying connected with my special friends and supportive family members.
5. Maintain Social Connections
While Paul was at home, it was difficult to maintain social connections. However, we were blessed with understanding and caring friends and family who embraced us even if it was only for a short visit. There were no questions asked or judgements made – they simply allowed Paul to be and for me to enjoy some social time.
Maintaining social connections is vital even if it means connecting with one friend or family member every day through WhatsApp. I had friends who checked in every day to find out how I was doing and they gave me the space to share my feelings.
My brother and his wife kept in constant contact and were readily available to assist with anything – this made me feel safe and loved during some of my darkest days. It also gave Paul a sense of certainty that he was safe even if he didn’t feel that way most of the time.
Social connections have proven to be important for mental and emotional health and caregivers need ample of this when caring for ailing loved ones!
6. Ask for Help
Caring for a struggling loved one at home not only isolates you but makes you feel you have to do everything yourself. Because I battle with low vision and can’t drive I was forced to ask for help at times when I couldn’t do something myself.
Our friend and my brother got Paul to hospital one evening and stood outside ER until I was ready to go home well after midnight. Another friend helped me get Paul to rehab when he didn’t trust using an Uber driver.
My brother, on numerous occasions, lifted me from one place to another while my sister-in-law accompanied me to my five-year cancer checkup.
Asking for help not only takes you out of isolation but it allows you to connect with those who care about you. It lightens the load of being a caregiver and prevents you from burning out because you don’t trust anyone to assist you.
Join a support group – these groups offer phenomenal support and often other members are willing to help you out because they understand what you’re going through. I believe Paul’s condition isn’t an addiction but rather a destructive physical dependence caused by benzos.
However, I chose to join a Co-Anon group for help, advice and support and I always got it.
Caregiving can be a very lonely job but you can ask for help before it all gets too much. From my experience, I realised that most people want to help but don’t know how. Reaching out and letting them know gives them the reason to step in and support you wherever possible.
7. Stay Spiritually Connected
One thing that kept me going in the two and half years of caregiving for Paul was staying spiritually connected. By this I mean talking and praying to my Higher Power. Every evening, I would pray before going to sleep and ask for Paul’s healing.
I would ask for strength to continue supporting Paul in the best way possible and for guidance when I needed direction.
It was my Higher Power who showed me what to do when we both felt there was no more hope for Paul’s survival. Through His intervention we found the best rehab facility that started Paul’s journey to healing and recovery.
Praying or talking to your God every day gives you hope, helps you to feel secure during the scariest times, and keeps you sane! Your Higher Power is always there whether you’re having a good or bad time.
Connecting spiritually allows you to let go and hand over what seems unmanageable so that you can focus on caring for your loved one knowing that all is well.
A Word of Hope When Caring for a Loved One Battling Benzodiazepines Withdrawals
Paul took his last tablet on December 16th, 2023 after 16 months of slowly tapering off benzos. He still experiences a range of withdrawal symptoms three months later and this is frighteningly “normal.”
He fortunately found his happy place in a new job doing what he loves doing – growing indigenous plants. He continues to work closely with his phenomenal counselor, Bryan.
We sold our beautiful home and downscaled to a tiny but gorgeous cottage on a farm. We couldn’t ask for a better place to heal our traumatized souls! I AM eternally grateful for all the angels that have come into my life since the start of this journey.
Out of bad comes trillions of amazing gifts and both of us are thankful for this journey despite the pain and suffering endured by Paul.
For those caregivers taking care of a loved one suffering with benzos withdrawals – don’t give up. Be gentle with yourself and your special one. It takes time, patience, and resilience but I assure you that there is a light at the end of tunnel.
Stay informed, keep looking for the right help, get support, and take care of yourself. You and your loved one can conquer this terrible prescription drug.
Resources I Found Useful
The Ashton Manual: This book became my bible and helped me to understand benzos, withdrawal and protracted symptoms. This book is authored by a medical professional and is based on her research into the condition.
Benzos Buddies Forum: I spent many months reading the withdrawal symptoms stories shared by sufferers. These stories allowed me to fully appreciate the agony Paul was experiencing every minute of his day. It was real and scary despite what many think! However, I chose to start reading the success stories once Paul went into rehab – these gave me hope that Paul would eventually recover.
Benzos Info Coalition: There are thousands of online sites talking about benzos withdrawals and I believe every one of them. However, the Benzos Info Coalition site is run by a team of medical professionals who have been through the experience themselves and are now educating others in their field to understand the terrifying side effects of this drug. The layman can benefit from the numerous resources available on this site.
I often watch Jordan Peterson podcasts and interviews related to his own journey with benzos withdrawals. He inspires me and gives me hope.
Final Thoughts
Caring for a loved one at home is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone. However, it can also be the hardest role of your life and finding coping skills is vital for your mental, emotional, and mental well-being.
In the first days and months of caring for my partner, I operated on automatic and by the time he was admitted to rehab I was in danger of having an emotional burnout. Fortunately, with the support of my friends and caring family members, I was able to rest and recover.
I wish I had kept up my self-care practices, asked for more help, and sought counselling from day one. I didn’t and only incorporated most of these things once Paul was in safe hands. I
urge you to take care of yourself even if you’re new to caregiving. Maintain your social connections and keep praying. Caring for your mind, body, and soul is equally important to survive caregiving someone you love. Only then can you give them the best of yourself.